Purpose and Vision of Citizens Against Vegetable Abuse

Citizens Against Vegetable Abuse (C.A.V.A.) is a grass roots organization begun in the lush, green mountains of Arizona on July 4, 1999. Under the visionary leadership of a poor, humble repairman and father of 6 children C.A.V.A. was born out of necessity. The group operates under the simple principal that all life is sacred and it's about time Veggies got their due. For years animal rights activism has placed vegetables in peril with no regard for the quality of their life. One very blatant example is the propagation of the popular myth that 5 servings a day of fruits and vegetables is a good thing. Well, C.A.V.A. believes fervently that while this may be good for humankind (notwithstanding the overwhelming testimony of millions of children who resist being force fed the often doctored veggies to make them palatable), it is certainly not good for vegetables. At the present rates of consumption both by unwitting humans and animals who often are fed the scraps of veggies children throw on the floor, edible vegetables may soon become extinct.

C.A.V.A., unlike so called animal rights groups that serve as false fronts for the vegetarian agenda seeking to end the historic and delectable practice of meat eating, does not oppose the eating of any tasty food. C.A.V.A. seeks only to make manifest a liberation that considers the plight of innocent and helpless veggies whose role in bettering society is grossly taken for granted and whose right to a clean, stress free and healthy environment is absolutely ignored. Respect for Vegetables is an unalienable right that C.A.V.A. will defend with as much energy that fossil fuels can generate—in other words, forever! While no victories have yet been recorded we believe that a strategy of mind control through repetitive badgering of politicians and movie stars will serve to advance our cause. To this end we are planning several courses of action that ultimately should lead to our goal of elevating the vegetable to its rightful place of equality with animals. Among these activities are:

1. Debunking with scientific investigation and common sense the false notion that 5 servings a day of fruits and vegetable is healthier than 3 servings of red meat.

2. Bringing to a stop the use of demeaning and degrading " organic" growing methods that subject edible veggies to squalid, putrid habitats wallowing in manure without the benefits of pesticides to prevent being literally eaten alive by predatory insects.

3. Promoting the use of independently tested synthetic growing agents (aka fertilizers) that have been proven to produce vigorous strong and happy vegetables capable of feeding three to four times as many humans as organically fed veggies thus instilling in vegetables a sense of pride and self worth, not to mention cleanliness.

4. Coming to the aid of millions of children who for centuries have been subjected to force feedings of veggies through parental intimidation and threats of no dessert. . We believe these children testifying before congressional committees might at last expose this practice and bring it to a just end thus saving millions of helpless vegetables as well as promoting harmonious, peaceful homes.

5. Outlawing the cruel practice of harvesting vegetables using dull, unsterile cutting blades that cause needless pain and suffering to helpless, defenseless veggies.

6. Making use of the science of genetic engineering to produce meat products that contain all the nutritional benefits of vegetables but with the great taste of flesh and thus open up opportunities for vegans to come out of the closet and admit they've been lusting after Big Macs for years (and even secretly eating them) but were afraid of the ridicule and prejudice they would suffer if ever they were discovered.

While some may see these initiatives as foolhardy and overly ambitious, the specter of suffering and despised vegetables serves as our mandate to stand up for the downtrodden and make a difference in their lives which are for all intents and purposes, rotten. Vegetables have indeed been given a raw deal. This must end!

Interested in being involved? Contact the Grand Enigma at GrandEnigma@veggierights.com